Snow Ghosts

Yesterday I went to Crystal Mountain to go snowboarding with coworkers. It was a beautiful couple of hours that we got to spend on the snow. The sun was shining. The terrain is steep at Crystal, much of it under the chairlift and in view of those enjoying a mellow ride to the top. I kept thinking about Duncan.

Today it has been two months since his passing. While time does help make things easier, yesterday was a hard one. Sitting on that lift in the sun I kept expecting him to pop out from between the trees with his bright green and blue outfit and that big goofy grin plastered to his face. Duncan would have loved yesterday. He would have loved to put on a show. He would have loved to have been leading the charge all day, throwing snow, and whooping it up as he weaved his way in between the trees.

View from my desk gives me a chance to say hi to fallen friends.

I haven't wanted to be in the snow this season because I feel like that part of me is now gone. All of the excitement that came with snow left on December 29th. While it's still fun, the majority of what I feel is made up of a lump in my throat and a hole in my heart from sadness, fear and just the sense that I'm missing something.

I kept turning around when I was riding, not because I thought he'd be there, but because I wanted him to be. I wanted so badly for this to be a bad dream - for the last six months to be one big bad dream that I could just wake up from and have everything be good again. Turning around I saw my friends and a big beautiful mountain, but not Duncan. Not the happy time I wanted. Not that smile or the jokes. Not the easy way. Not the relief that I know is out there somewhere.

Instead, it was just snow ghosts. Everything I want and need is out there lurking. Yesterday it was in the snow. Today it was in the clouds. Tomorrow maybe it'll be in the puddles that will inevitably be gathering at my feet as I walk through the streets. One day soon, it'll be in my hands. It has to happen. Time is going to help me again.

That feeling that something special is gone will slowly fade, but days like yesterday are reminders of just what I'm missing.