After Death

I guess you could say death has been on my mind a lot lately. It's not something I want to focus on, but it's something that is very real and has a feeling and emotions and takes people away from the world at good times and bad. I've often wondered what happens when we die. It's the kind of thing that hurts my head to think about because I can't possibly figure out the answer. I want to know what happens to my conscience. What happens to my thoughts, my soul, my memories, my dreams?

After the accident in Peru life became a lot more fragile to me. It became real. It became something precious and miraculous and incredible. It became something to fight for, because sometimes the next stage comes way too early. I'm glad that didn't happen to Evan, but I'm still reeling that it happened to Duncan, and even to little Newman. What did they face? What was it like for Duncan in the snow? Did he know what happened? Did he understand? Was he conscious that he was dying and that he had to take his final breaths? At least he was in the mountains, in the snow, with his best friends doing what he loved most. There is comfort in that. But, what about that first moment after your heart takes its last beat? What about those minutes when it's all really happening?

The day before Duncan died I saw a video that really got me thinking about this.  This kid had a very serious heart condition his entire life. He managed to "escape death," as he put it, 3 times in his short life. He finally died 2 weeks ago at age 18, but before he passed, he made a video explaining what it was like to die for a few minutes each time. It sounds so pleasant.





On Friday I met with a friend I haven't seen in probably 4+ years. We worked together a long time ago. He knew I was going to a memorial service that night and told me about a crazy event that happened to him last April 5th. He had taken Aleve to remedy minor pain. As he was driving he began to feel hot and dizzy. He called his wife and told her he didn't feel right. She convinced him to drive himself to the hospital, which he promptly did. Soon after he arrived he passed out. Apparently he saved his own life by minutes. He went into Anaphylactic shock. During this time his heart stopped. He essentially died for a few minutes and experienced that gap between life and death that we see in movies and read about it books.

I asked him what it was like, if it was scary, if it was painful. He said no to all of those things, but that it was relaxing. He felt at peace, like everything was ok. He wasn't scared, didn't feel lonely or concerned. He didn't talk about any other sensory things besides his own feelings. No light, no weight, just feelings. I told his story to one of my girlfriends and she quickly flipped to a page in a book she is reading (nonfiction) that talks about  a near-death experience that sounded exactly like the two stories mentioned above.

And then it sank in... maybe that's what happens. Maybe we continue to feel, but maybe we don't experience other sensations the way we used to. Death scares me for a weird reason. As independent as I am, I am nothing without my favorite people. I am nothing without my friends. If I don't have them, I don't have anything. The thought of traveling alone to the next dimension/life/level/whatever scares the shit out of me, which is why up until now I've not put too much thought into. I end up frustrated because I don't have an answer and feel annoyed that I'm even thinking about it instead of being out living my life. I just can't help but consider it all right now.

Lessons keep being served up like fresh sets of waves, even when I'm not ready and not anticipating them. Death is real, but it doesn't have to be feared. Hearing Joe's story, and watching those videos makes me more curious than scared. Regardless, I am alive today. I am alive and fortunate. I have SO MUCH to live for. I have the most incredible friends in my life that mean the world to me. I have hobbies that excite me unlike anything else ever could. I have laughter, love, and support. That makes me the richest person in the world.