To Race or Not to Race... That is the Question

When I started out the mountain bike season I set a couple goals. I wanted to be able to clean a trail in Whistler called In Deep that has eluded me on several occasions. I wanted to do all of the drops and jumps that I was riding last year, but with ease. I wanted to ride better, and therefore faster. Most of all, though, I wanted to race in Crankworx, the world's largest mountain bike festival.

There's an event called the Air Downhill. It's a race down the world's most famous downhill trail, A Line. It's got just about 40 jumps on it top to bottom (all rollable if you're scared) including 2 decent sized drops. I started riding A Line a couple of years ago when Scott would ride it. He is a dirt jumper by nature and absolutely destroys the trail. I wanted to learn to jump a little more so I started riding it on my own. Last year I learned how to do the drops which made me able to ride everything top to bottom. I still can't clear all of the jumps but my confidence had reached a point where I was comfortable aiming to make racing in the Air DH my big goal for this season.

It all came to a screeching halt a few weeks ago. I was riding A Line with a big group of friends. I was the last one in a train of about 7 people and was right in sync with the rest of the group. We approached the rock drop as normal. I wasn't going too fast; I wasn't going to slow, it was totally routine. As soon as I hit the ground I knew something horrible was happening. I had no control. The next thing I knew I was wrapped around a tree. Everyone else had continued on, not knowing anything was wrong. When I came to I first checked that I could move then made to get myself and my bike out of the trail, as I was in the landing of a high speed jump. When I went to pull my bike out of the trail I was distraught to find that it was totally unridable. In fact, it was in two pieces. I started bawling instantly, not because I was hurt, but because my bike was totally destroyed. I couldn't help but think that the rest of my summer would be over because my bike was broken and I didn't know if I'd be mentally ok to do that drop again.

I was lucky enough to get a replacement bike very quickly and was back up and riding within a week. I was sore. My back hurt and I was missing a lot of skin off of my legs. But that was nothing compared to trying to work up the courage to do that drop (or any for that matter) again. It took me a few days to even consider riding A Line again. When I did finally ride the trail I was extremely cautious and never even considered riding the drop. The ride around is easy, so I just went with it. I couldn't help but feel disappointed that I was afraid to do something that I know how to do well. It's just that there was that mental block- I can't explain it, but I was completely petrified of having the same thing happen again.

After a couple more days of riding the park I decided that I had to get over it. I was doing other drops that were bigger and tougher, but they didn't carry the legacy of a crash. Finally I followed Scott off the drop and landed it perfectly. It was a huge relief, but it didn't settle my nerves. I went to ride it again and before I dropped into the trail my mind got the best of me. I began to pedal and started crying as I was riding in. This was supposed to be fun, why the hell was I crying? Competitive me had to suck it up and just do it. I laughed at how silly I was behaving and charged into the trail on my own, knowing that if anyone had seen me looking like a sobbing fool they would have scratched their head and wondered what the hell my problem was. I hit the drop flawlessly and rode the rest of the trail without issue.

I've only ridden the trail a handful of times since then, each time wondering if I have what it takes to race in the Air Downhill. I'm not kidding myself. I know I'm not going to come close to winning. In fact, my only two goals in the race would be to keep it upright and not get dead last. I hadn't actually considered racing after the crash and am still unsure if I should do it or not. Crankworx starts on Saturday. The AirDH is next Wednesday afternoon. I arrive on Saturday and will have four solid days of practice to see how I feel. I'd give anything to experience the feeling of a clean race run on that trail, but I just don't know if I can keep it together from top to bottom.

Competitive me thinks that I may give it a shot. Practical me is thinking there's no sense in getting injured before I take off for Peru...then competitive me comes in and says, "yea, but that's months away. Plenty of time to heal! Suck it up, sissy!" Yikes! Who do I listen to??? I have to decide soon. Registration time is closing in...